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10 Lessons From The Month Of March

How many times have men of God, or so called, been accused of sleeping with another's wife or having extramarital affairs, or counting census with church girls? Countless times. The only difference is that when it concerns a high-profile man of God like Apostle Suleiman, tongues between to wag. You know what beats that; Watching people tell you that you never graduated from school when you have seen the inner walls of an NYSC camp. So this is to Dino Melaye and the ten things we learnt in the awesome month of March.

1. President Buhari Finally Returned
We complained he left his country and vamoosed, then we stopped complaining and started enjoying the reign of Osibanjo. Just before could say Jack Robinson, Baba was back in the country. Sai Baba, you have suffered, thank God all those prayers of death by millions of Nigerians did not work, and we enjoyed the singing and dancing that cheered your returning but your stay in Nigeria has tayed. Please we won’t mind if you return to your base, London.

2. Started NYSC in 1999, Left in 2001
Dino Melaye’s case is spiritual! I do not understand how you can graduate in 2000 but went for NYSC in 1999. I cannot understand. Anyway the Vice-chancellor of ABU Zaria came out to declare openly that Sen. Melaye graduated from the school with third class degree but I still have some pertinent questions. How does one go for NYSC before graduation? Ahhh, Lest I forgot, the NYSC scheme is now a two years program. Lol, that explains it.

3. Who Rocked the AMVCA
The 5th edition of our darling viewer’s choice award was brought to us this March and I will tell you a few things. Olu Jacobs and Joke Silva is the picture of a perfect couple, there blend of purple was soul lifting; 76 is an exceptional movie that is why it packed most of the awards; but who rocked the AMVCA? Growth is when you go from winning the best supporting actor in a drama series to winning the best actor in a drama series, your guess is as good as mine, Sambassa Nzeribe.

4. Apostle Suleiman Again
What makes a man popular? Either it is spitting fire and brimstone from the pulpit or getting all shagged with a female musician from London. I don’t know which anyway, but there is a reason I didn’t hear of Pastor Suleiman last year and cannot stop hearing of him now. The man is a genius on becoming famous, one of the testimonies given by miss Otobo, the lady he allegedly impregnated, is that she sends him nudes every Sunday before he climbs the Pulpit. And here I was wondering where he gets the inspiration for his profound sermons. We just hope that DSS does not come knocking again.

5. INEC sets date for 2019 Election
No, this is not efficiency, this is tiredness. In Nigeria we love African man timing and never before has it been heard that election date was fixed two years before the time. So no, I refuse to believe that the INEC workers are so dedicated and efficient to this level of activeness. I simply believe that they are tired of this administration and sending a warning sign to the man about time winding down. Why? Because am tired too.

6. Muhammad the Dog
An Hausa boy named his dog “Ibere” after an Ibo man, the man complained and the boy didn’t listen; He simply went to the market bought a dog and named it Muhammad. Then trouble started, Hausa’s started fighting Ibo’s at the spare parts market in Kaduna, now the market is on lockdown. This is how people will stay and be looking for trouble.

7. Medical Doctor in Lagoon
People push trucks everyday to eat and then sleep under the bridge at nights, a man who could afford an SUV decided to jump off a bridge. I guess we cannot all understand personality problems but I know all was not well with Dr. Orji even though his name was Allwell. Anyway he met his waterloo and for under Nigerians who want to try the stunt, in case you don’t have the morale to hug transformer, third mainland bridge is not far.

8. The God of Soccer
Well if there is a God like that he surely lives in Barcelona, upturning a four goal deficit to go on and win 6 – 1 against PSG is a kind of miracle never witnessed in football before. It even tramples the miracle of Istanbul that Liverpool pulled off in 2005. And they did it in style, scoring four goals in a space of 6 minutes. All the same, PSG players and their coach especially deserve 24 strokes of the cane each. Idontokfinish.

9. Simple Demand
Hameed Ali was a military man, and as such he should understand common respect for constituted authority. It might not be constitutional that custom bosses wear the uniform but when the law makers ask you to come in your uniform, why not do that and avoid long talk. If you feel adhering to a simple demand will belittle your military status, simply resign and leave custom. Chekina.

10. Magu’s Lingering Case.
I can say a few things, Saraki lacks the moral ethos to confirm someone’s candidacy to head a crime commission. Secondly, the senate has never failed to confirm anyone sent by the presidency be it ministerial or any position, why start now? A lot of things are under the carpet here and one of them is that Ibrahim Magu is an ardent attacker of the level of corruption and financial misappropriation going on in the Nigeria’s senate. No wonder one of them has called him a media terrorist. It is a pity that power lies in the hand of questionable people in Nigeria. I comment my reserve.

Till we meet again next month, I apologise for all who missed me last month. Hope you are well. Have a nice time.

                                                                                Dubem Val

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