Good day fellas! Hope
you had an eventful November? Off course you should; after all Abubakar Shekau
sent some very funny mails to ISIS that will crack your ribs, then the House of
Representative decided to make MMM a subject matter in their plenary session,
na wa for these people.
But this is to what
could have been had Hilary Clinton become the 1st female
president of America and the 10 things we learnt in this month of November.
1. Crisis Rock APC
Sometimes things move so
well when you are the ruling party, at other times they don’t. And what makes
it more pleasing is that it took a crisis in a state- Ondo, to destabilize the
peace in APC. The chairman Odigie-Oyegun played a fast one, and the national
leader Tinubu played a faster one and withdrew his funding. All attempts at
peace is null, so my dear people, it is time for APC to choose between the
money and the technocrat. Now my brothers, in Nigerian politics, being a
technocrat will not make guarantee a party win in the elections, but having the
money undoubtedly will, now you can understand why APC owes a lot right now,
including electricity bills.
2. Had Clinton Won...
I choose to focus on
what it felt like for most young ladies around the world. This was a true
chance at women achieving something really great but it was not to be and so I
felt the pain of young ladies who cried when the results were announced. Now
that said, I effectively put it to Americans that they are the craziest people
on earth, if a Nigerian makes half of the sadistic comments that Trump made
during his election, he won’t even wake up on Election Day not to talk of
contesting or even winning. I still trust my good people from Edo state.
Anyway, congratulations to Trump and his controversial views.
3. Why all the Fuss
about T.B Joshua
Common people, this is a
man who prophesied that Arsenal will win the Champions league, in the 2009/10
season. Did it work? Why you all are worked up that he predicted Clinton’s
victory and Clinton did not win. He simply gave a prophecy that thousands of TV
stations and radio stations and analysis houses made before the election, the
gamble just did not pay off. God abeg, forgive me ooo, I knw say na your pikin.
4. Did you read Abubakar
Shekau’s email messages?
To think these people
saying they don’t want western education would make you pity them. “I don’t
know how is doing me in dis sambisa. Suffering too much, help, we need food –
dose infidel’s hav close boarder & air forces is distubin 2 much.” Chai,
illiteracy is a disease. What do we now say about the ISIS members who are
requesting $1million before they can attend to someone who is dying of hunger?
5. RIP Lt. Col. Abu
Ahmed Ali: The Fallen Hero
Not many vibrant
soldiers are left in the Nigerian army as in the hay days of Mohammed and
Danjuma. And nothing hurts more than seeing the few ones who are left lose
their lives in the struggle. He personally reclaimed the major town of Baga
from Bokoharam insurgents, given a speedy promotion to Lt. Col, only to lose
his life few months on. Your bravery cannot be forgotten in a hurry and our
prayers are with you.
6. Which Money Doubling
Scheme are you in?
It dutifully started
with MMM (Money must be made), but the influx of these ponzi and money doubling
schemes in the Nigerian market nowadays will give you cause for concern. Do we
talk of Zarfund, or Icharity, or is it Crowdrising that promises heaven and earth,
or is it Ultimate cycler whose website already crashed because of traffic. Now
we even have different brands of mmm like mmm – united and mmm – West Africa.
There are even speculations from reliable sources that as Christmas approaches,
we will soon get food cyclers; where you will donate a goat, bring two persons
who can do the same and get one cow. Chai! Nigerian government should look at
the mess they have caused in this country, see what hardship has plunged the
masses into. Anyway, I have joined. What of you?
7. Burning of Seven year
old: A rape of justice
On the 17th of
November, when news filtered in that a seven years old boy was burnt in Lagos
state for stealing garri, I became vexed. I could not control myself and
complained to anyone who cared to listen how someone stealing garri was a sign
of hunger and that him being 7 meant he still has a tender brain which can be
nurtured to any level. EFCC nab top politicians every day and once they can
drop paltry sums of money compared to what they stole, they are let loose while
a mob gathers for a hungry child who harmlessly stole garri and he was killed,
and the law agencies let it slide without them batting an eyelid. We are
horrible people, we embrace jungle justice and we rape justice. God have mercy.
But then it turned out that it wasn’t really a boy but a pick pocket and
somehow we feel that justifies the act. Our system is as corrupt as it is and
jungle justice is not the way out.
8. World Oldest Person
Discovered in Nigeria
A Nigerian woman, mama
Esifiho, who is allegedly 191 years has been discovered in Ellu community in
Isoko North LGA of Delta state. The great grandson of the woman who is already
aged confirmed that the woman witnessed the birth of his grandfather. Now this
is a record, and yet the UN will keep reporting Nigerians as having life
expectancy of 47 years. Anyway, if this woman is truly 191 years, then she
truly is the “ancient of days” that we have been singing. But I have some
radical questions; how them take know her age? Who calculate am? When dem born
the person?
9. Rector Dies on Top of
Woman
Well, the rector of
Federal polytechnic, Ekowe, Bayelsa state thought he was coming but he was
actually going. He reportedly died in a sexual romp with a far younger lady,
who is reported to be a student, in the hotel room. This serves as a warning to
all Nigerian lecturers especially those ones who specialize in exploiting their
female students sexually. Meanwhile the rector joins the list of prominent
Nigerians who purportedly died on top of women which includes General Sani
A****a. I no talk.
10. Pastor’s Wahala
Nigerians should be very
careful when dealing with men of God. As pastor’s wahala tripled in Nigeria in
this month of November. A lady died after drinking a concoction given to her by
her pastor to cure her stomach ache; The Pastor is now a doctor. And another
man went mad after eating food prepared by the Pastor’s wife. The most
hilarious of the bunch has to be the man who died inside a casket in Abuja
after the pastor had paid him 500k to feign death until he performed the
miracle of bringing back to life. The man tried his best to give the pastor
value for his money and suffocated in the casket; good for him. I don’t want to
go into the case of randy pastors who keep changing their congregation girls
like bow tie; that one na national anthem for Naija. Anyway trade carefully,
because those who live carelessly, die carelessly. Ekwuchakwam.
Don’t think I forgot
Chief Emeka Offor buried his father with an all-golden casket; let’s see how
long that grave will last in this recession, or that Dasuki lost his father and
even missed the burial while in detention, or that Nnamdi Kanu is still in
custody; our prisoner of conscience, or that ASUU sang their usual song, but let’s
leave it all for next time, trust you are having a wonderful month, Christmas
is in the air, stay cool.
Dubem Val
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