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Ten Lessons From The Month Of November

Good day fellas! Hope you had an eventful November? Off course you should; after all Abubakar Shekau sent some very funny mails to ISIS that will crack your ribs, then the House of Representative decided to make MMM a subject matter in their plenary session, na wa for these people. 
But this is to what could have been had Hilary Clinton become the 1st female president of America and the 10 things we learnt in this month of November. 

1. Crisis Rock APC

Sometimes things move so well when you are the ruling party, at other times they don’t. And what makes it more pleasing is that it took a crisis in a state- Ondo, to destabilize the peace in APC. The chairman Odigie-Oyegun played a fast one, and the national leader Tinubu played a faster one and withdrew his funding. All attempts at peace is null, so my dear people, it is time for APC to choose between the money and the technocrat. Now my brothers, in Nigerian politics, being a technocrat will not make guarantee a party win in the elections, but having the money undoubtedly will, now you can understand why APC owes a lot right now, including electricity bills.

2.  Had Clinton Won...

I choose to focus on what it felt like for most young ladies around the world. This was a true chance at women achieving something really great but it was not to be and so I felt the pain of young ladies who cried when the results were announced. Now that said, I effectively put it to Americans that they are the craziest people on earth, if a Nigerian makes half of the sadistic comments that Trump made during his election, he won’t even wake up on Election Day not to talk of contesting or even winning. I still trust my good people from Edo state. Anyway, congratulations to Trump and his controversial views.

3. Why all the Fuss about T.B Joshua

Common people, this is a man who prophesied that Arsenal will win the Champions league, in the 2009/10 season. Did it work? Why you all are worked up that he predicted Clinton’s victory and Clinton did not win. He simply gave a prophecy that thousands of TV stations and radio stations and analysis houses made before the election, the gamble just did not pay off. God abeg, forgive me ooo, I knw say na your pikin.

4. Did you read Abubakar Shekau’s email messages?

To think these people saying they don’t want western education would make you pity them. “I don’t know how is doing me in dis sambisa. Suffering too much, help, we need food – dose infidel’s hav close boarder & air forces is distubin 2 much.” Chai, illiteracy is a disease. What do we now say about the ISIS members who are requesting $1million before they can attend to someone who is dying of hunger?

5. RIP Lt. Col. Abu Ahmed Ali: The Fallen Hero

Not many vibrant soldiers are left in the Nigerian army as in the hay days of Mohammed and Danjuma. And nothing hurts more than seeing the few ones who are left lose their lives in the struggle. He personally reclaimed the major town of Baga from Bokoharam insurgents, given a speedy promotion to Lt. Col, only to lose his life few months on. Your bravery cannot be forgotten in a hurry and our prayers are with you.

6. Which Money Doubling Scheme are you in?

It dutifully started with MMM (Money must be made), but the influx of these ponzi and money doubling schemes in the Nigerian market nowadays will give you cause for concern. Do we talk of Zarfund, or Icharity, or is it Crowdrising that promises heaven and earth, or is it Ultimate cycler whose website already crashed because of traffic. Now we even have different brands of mmm like mmm – united and mmm – West Africa. There are even speculations from reliable sources that as Christmas approaches, we will soon get food cyclers; where you will donate a goat, bring two persons who can do the same and get one cow. Chai! Nigerian government should look at the mess they have caused in this country, see what hardship has plunged the masses into. Anyway, I have joined. What of you?

7. Burning of Seven year old:  A rape of justice

On the 17th of November, when news filtered in that a seven years old boy was burnt in Lagos state for stealing garri, I became vexed. I could not control myself and complained to anyone who cared to listen how someone stealing garri was a sign of hunger and that him being 7 meant he still has a tender brain which can be nurtured to any level. EFCC nab top politicians every day and once they can drop paltry sums of money compared to what they stole, they are let loose while a mob gathers for a hungry child who harmlessly stole garri and he was killed, and the law agencies let it slide without them batting an eyelid. We are horrible people, we embrace jungle justice and we rape justice. God have mercy. But then it turned out that it wasn’t really a boy but a pick pocket and somehow we feel that justifies the act. Our system is as corrupt as it is and jungle justice is not the way out.

8. World Oldest Person Discovered in Nigeria

A Nigerian woman, mama Esifiho, who is allegedly 191 years has been discovered in Ellu community in Isoko North LGA of Delta state. The great grandson of the woman who is already aged confirmed that the woman witnessed the birth of his grandfather. Now this is a record, and yet the UN will keep reporting Nigerians as having life expectancy of 47 years. Anyway, if this woman is truly 191 years, then she truly is the “ancient of days” that we have been singing. But I have some radical questions; how them take know her age? Who calculate am? When dem born the person?

9. Rector Dies on Top of Woman

Well, the rector of Federal polytechnic, Ekowe, Bayelsa state thought he was coming but he was actually going. He reportedly died in a sexual romp with a far younger lady, who is reported to be a student, in the hotel room. This serves as a warning to all Nigerian lecturers especially those ones who specialize in exploiting their female students sexually. Meanwhile the rector joins the list of prominent Nigerians who purportedly died on top of women which includes General Sani A****a. I no talk.

10. Pastor’s Wahala

Nigerians should be very careful when dealing with men of God. As pastor’s wahala tripled in Nigeria in this month of November. A lady died after drinking a concoction given to her by her pastor to cure her stomach ache; The Pastor is now a doctor. And another man went mad after eating food prepared by the Pastor’s wife. The most hilarious of the bunch has to be the man who died inside a casket in Abuja after the pastor had paid him 500k to feign death until he performed the miracle of bringing back to life. The man tried his best to give the pastor value for his money and suffocated in the casket; good for him. I don’t want to go into the case of randy pastors who keep changing their congregation girls like bow tie; that one na national anthem for Naija. Anyway trade carefully, because those who live carelessly, die carelessly. Ekwuchakwam.

Don’t think I forgot Chief Emeka Offor buried his father with an all-golden casket; let’s see how long that grave will last in this recession, or that Dasuki lost his father and even missed the burial while in detention, or that Nnamdi Kanu is still in custody; our prisoner of conscience, or that ASUU sang their usual song, but let’s leave it all for next time, trust you are having a wonderful month, Christmas is in the air, stay cool.
                                                                                              Dubem Val

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