My FUTO Story - #2

Year 1

My first lecture in FUTO was an Igbo lecture. One faithful day I decided to visit my department IMT (Information Management Technology) to find out where the first years were attending lectures. I was directed to SOSC Extension. I ‘jejely’ walked down there, found my mates and was about to sit down by the window when suddenly, everywhere became rowdy with students picking up their bags and racing out of the classroom.

When I managed to get a hold of one of the Usain Bolt wannabes, to ask where they were going, I learnt it was for an Igbo lecture holding at the same building I had just left minutes ago.

I joined the race only to get there to meet a woman walking us out of her class as she had already taken attendance for the lecture. Before she could finish her rant, we were once again running back for a physics lecture. It was as if everyone except me had a radio frequency alerting them on what to do and when to do it.

That was how my lecture schedule in year one looked like. Starts with a race and ends with a race. Now I can outrun any impeding disaster as I have had loads of training.

Year one medical clearance is always a tedious affair but it has always been a gathering to make new friends or crack your ribs.

I was waiting my turn for the X-ray examination at a corner when I noticed a pretty girl walk up to the guy beside me. She asked him for directions to the restroom and my man answered

“You fit rest for this tree, this na hospital no be hotel. Room no dey hia.”

Everyone who watched the exchange busted into laughter. She looked embarrassed so I told her to ask any of the nurses inside the hospital. She thanked me and was about leaving when I complimented her on her beauty and asked for her contact. She smiled and at that moment I realized why she was looking for a restroom. There was vegetable stuck in her teeth. Iraq and Iran must have been at war in her stomach.

Smiling at my thoughts, I was ushered into the examination room with 4 other boys and some girls. Everyone was undressing when a boy shouted.

“omo see bress”.

We all turned to look at the source of his amazement but the girl in question had already covered up and the rest of us boys bundled out of the room. Looking back now, I am very sure that man enjoyed his job very much. Who wouldn’t love a job where you get to see different sizes of such wonder?

Year 2

During my second year, a girl came to visit me with her friends. When they left, my roommate who was on self-exile because of my visitors returned to inform me about a visit from his parents.

We cleaned up and awaited the goodies that usually came with such visit. His mum arrived and introductions were done before the Holy Spirit began to manifest in mysterious ways. His mum just stood up in the middle of the discussion and went straight for the wardrobe.

Behold, there was a pink lacy pant hanging in its full glory.

“Chi m o!”  She shouted.

“So this is what you people are doing in school. Eh!”

Before we could formulate an excuse, my roommate had his cheek smarting with pain from the hot slap that landed on his cheek. We were then subjected to a long sermon of do´s and don’ts´. I quickly asked for leave to visit Mr. white where I texted my neighbor. I flushed, and assumed my position at the counselling table when we heard a knock at the door. Sunny my roommate, opened the door to see Comfort a randy girl who lived next door.

To my surprise, this Calabar babe who never conversed with you except in pidgin, broke into queen´s English that would turn Eliza green with envy.

Sunny does introductions and she immediately does the chirpy grasshopper dance that girls do when excited.

“O my God! Are you serious? Mummy welcome o. You look so young and pretty”.

She goes ahead and gives her an affectionate hug.

Mama Sunny, pleased with the courteous girl forgot about the pant and went ahead with the usual interview mothers give when they meet their child’s friend for the first time.

When that excitement died down Comfort notices me and says.

“Henry, what of that stuff I gave you to keep for me?”

I walked to the guilty wardrobe and removed two tee-shirts hanging and handed it over to her together with the pant long forgotten on the floor.

“God bless you! That nonsense rain would have just made me do laundry again”.

“Mummy, I have to go and prepare for church now. It was a pleasure to finally meet you”.

With that, she left and the pink pant became a tale of the past. Later that night while we were enjoying the Oha soup, mama Sunny came with my phone beeping, alerting me of a message. It read: ‘come Henry, u go use madam chop life pepper soup take settle me o’.

I was broke and the only prayer in my mind was for thunder to rape the girl who forgot that pant. Don’t blame me, Comfort was definitely not going to take only one plate of pepper soup and she had 2 roommates.

Year five

Yes I know.

You just scrolled up to check if you missed three and four.

I would have loved to relive the tale of my swimming in Otammiri- red with a village girl’s menstrual blood in my third year. Or how Tony my neighbor, fucked a church girl that came to evangelize in my lodge. The ministry moved from the bed to the bedroom (don´t ask me, ask Inyanya). But that would take the whole day and should definitely be a story of its own.

If I was silly in my previous years, then my final year was when I went “kolomental”. There were a lot of things that happened which I cannot reveal just in case my father, who is a FUTO lecturer stumbles on this post.

I have crazy friends whose actions can make a mad man seem sane. One of them is named guru. Guru is one of those friends that visit you and head straight to your kitchen or fridge and raid it. On this faithful day Guru paid me a visit when I had gone to see my babe. As usual he went to my fridge and the only drink that was long enough for his throat was in an Eva water bottle.

Sunny and I love to get high, so we tend to do a lot of concoctions, but this particular one was untested and would surely fail NAFDAC test. It was made up of a boiled mixture of black bullet, Codeine, Bacardi, Alomo, Hennessey and weed.

Before sunny could stop him, he had already gulped down half the content.  Guru my guy began to dance to the music of the gods. I was told that the noise he generated attracted the guys in my lodge who used him as free entertainment before he rushed downstairs, stopped a bike and went to the ATM at Eisman where he withdrew #40,000. He came back to the room with food and drinks for everyone. Sharing money like his naira bets paid off.

Sunny got #6,000 and Guru´s Iphone 6. When Guru woke the next day, he had several messages on his Nokia phone, thanking him for this or that. He was surprised until he got to the debit alert message. You can use your imagination to deduce what happened next. I think he should go for thanksgiving that the person he gave his Iphone to was my roommate.

When I came back to this gist, I laughed till my belly hurt but vexed that I had missed out on this awoof package. This should serve as a warning to people who raid their friends when they visit them.

Desist from such acts. Shikena! But if you still insist, please make sure I am around. I cannot afford to miss out again.

This is already long enough, and I hope you were not bored at some point. Constance asked me to also write about how FUTO shaped me and the only thing that came to me was this- if I was able to survive the craziness of FUTO, have fun, and still graduate with a good result, then I believe I can survive anywhere. Life is hard, but when you have the opportunity make the most of it.

           

Henry is a pseudonym. He describes himself as the star that shines brightest. He says Socrates is his uncle, Aristotle his servant and Edison his cobbler.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did. Please don’t use the end button without dropping a comment.